


It's In Just Being. It's In Just Saying It.

by 3jelly_beanss



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Basically, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, idek how to tag this, im dying, my interpretation of s15e18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27482314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3jelly_beanss/pseuds/3jelly_beanss
Summary: "Dean, you changed me."Castiel was a poor excuse for an angel. What angel felt emotions and became attached to pathetic humans? What kind of angel was he that he would sacrifice anything for one man?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	It's In Just Being. It's In Just Saying It.

**Author's Note:**

> this is,, just me venting about the ending through fanfic,, the writers better fix this

It was strange, being in love with Dean. It was strange most of all because celestial beings aren't supposed to have emotions, or feel things. Angels were supposed to be order-following robots, or dicks with sticks up their asses, as Dean would say.

From the beginning it had been obvious that Dean was changing him. It was the first time Cas had felt sympathy, when he saw Dean's suffering, watched him break down and cry with all of the weight put on his shoulders, and he wished he could relieve it. He tried to understand Dean, to reassure him, to help him. Dean, of course didn't want the help of some stuck-up prick of an angel. So Cas kept a strategical distance. He wanted to get closer, to know more, but he couldn't.

It was much later before he knew he was in love. Love is complicated and finnicky and blind, and Cas was entirely unfamiliar with it. Everyone noticed his love, told him he was so obvious with how much he loved Dean. He guessed he couldn't help it. He would do anything for the man, who unfortunately cared too little about himself and got into all kinds of trouble, which cost Cas a few lives. But he'd do it again. He'd do it as many times as it cost.

Dean was an odd man. Cas could see his rage and anger, everyone could, but he saw it differently. Dean didn't hate anyone, he hated himself. Year after year, the hunter would blame himself for every person he couldn't save, every life that was lost, every mistake he made, and that guilt ate away at him. He tried to fix it by throwing himself into dangerous situations and apocalypses, and try to get everyone out alive. Cas saw how deeply he cared, how much he loved. It was beautiful in a bittersweet way. Dean would throw his life away, give everything for his brother, for his father, for Jack, for anyone he loved. It hurt so profoundly that Cas was never the recipient of this love.

Cas wasn't perfect. Cas had been so many things, an all-powerful angel, a pathetic human, a weak and half-graceless excuse for a celestial being, and always he was lost and confused and without direction. He tried so hard to make his own decisions and make the right ones, but time and again he would find himself on the receiving end of Dean's wrath. All Cas wanted was to help, to show Dean he cared. And he would inevitably screw up. Dean's hard, unforgiving glare on him, spitting insults and derision, stung more with the realization that he was doing this for love. He was so angry because he was fueled by pure love and care, and yet none of this was directed at Cas, only his fury and frustration. And so Cas responded the way so many humans would: pain, and later, anger. He was tired of being Dean's pawn, only to be thrown aside when he wasn't useful. Did Dean not care? After all Cas did for him, would do for him, he still couldn't be grateful?

Now, as the truth was spoken, as Cas told him everything he'd ever wanted to, he knew it didn't matter. He would do this, he would do more, for Dean to be saved. He hoped the man was comforted by knowing Cas loved him. Maybe he would see what Castiel saw in him. Maybe he could finally forgive himself. he welcomed the release of the Empty with a smile on his face. He was happy. It didn't matter if Dean cared for him. That wasn't important.

How sad it is that Cas never saw Dean's tears, the many times Dean thought he was gone forever. Cas could never see the anguish Dean felt when he was alone and without him. Cas would never know how much Dean had cared or how much he had loved him. You see, Dean wasn't perfect either. He was an odd man, who couldn't allow himself to be weak or love or experience emotion. He knew how much he loved Cas, but he covered it with derision and anger and teasing. No one else could see, no one could know, Castiel least of all. How sad is it that Cas couldn't see Dean's despair now, his tears at knowing that his feelings were reciprocated. He knew, but what could he do? He knew, but Cas would never.


End file.
